Embrace Your Pain and Be Blessed! (Part 4)
William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Executive Director of New Hope Crisis Counseling, Crystal Cathedral
Clinical Psychologist & Spiritual Director, ChristianSoulCare.com
PAIN THAT'S DENIED IS BAD
It's natural to want to avoid pain. And yet, ironically, once pain has already come your way to avoid it at that point is a problem. Any pain that is denied or anesthized or bandaged without being cleaned will only makes things worse for you. It means a warning isn't heeded, a hurt isn't healed, a lesson isn't learned, and the blessings of spiritual growth and God's presence are missed. Let's consider each of the four reasons for pain and look at how if we don't deal with the pain then it becomes bad pain that accomplishes no good for God or our souls.
1. When someone sins against you. It's natural and helpful when you've been violated to feel angry and scared of it happening again and so to set boundaries to protect yourself from further injury. But often we deny and defend against our inner pain, muffling our anger so that it becomes depression or turning it against ourselves and feeling ashamed for something that's not our fault. Or we may go to the other extreme and take the victim stance, getting stuck in blaming our offender and feeling sorry for ourselves. Then we'll become resentful and anxious. These are bad pains that serve no good purpose. They actually leave us open to be sinned against in the same way again and again.
2. When you sin. It's appropriate when you've sinned to be sad about the hurt you caused and to appreciate better your inner emptiness and vulnerability to temptation. But, here also, we tend to avoid these painful and humbling feelings and adopt either a proud, legalistic posture ("I messed up, but I can do better if I try harder.") or license ("I messed up, but it doesn't much matter, as I can do what I want and things will be okay.) We end up feeling guilty and condemning ourselves or running to one pleasure after another trying to escape the bad feelings. This also is bad pain that is harmful to us and to others. (For instance, someone who is feeling guilty is often self-absorbed and not empathic at that point.)
3. When tragedy strikes or an accident occurs. Unforseen stressors and pains come our way in our imperfect world. Sickness, injury, and death may seem random and cruel. We don't want to accept that our world is so imperfect, so riddled with pain and problems. To defend against this painful vulnerability we may become pessimistic and soured on life or idealistic and wear roles-colored glasses. Life is depressing or fake and empty (hidden depression). We may get lost in despair and helplessness. Withdrawing into negative feelings about yourself and your world is a dead end. A depression like this is no good.
4. God asks all of us to deny ourselves. "Take up your cross and follow me," Jesus challenged us (Luke 9:23-24). God is our Creator and Lord and He owns us in a sense. He is the Righteous Judge to be feared. Especially as Christians we realize this because not only has He created us, but also He has "redeemed" or bought us out of slavery to sin and has "set us apart" to be His special treasure. He's the Lover of our Souls and when we turn to anything but Him and what He provides we're committing spiritual adultery, betraying Him, testing His patience and arousing His anger. But even many of us Christians don't seem to see things this way. We tend to see God as either harsh and mean or soft and easy. Either way, life will be increasingly anxious if we're living in our own strength for our own purposes. We easily become consumed with trying to make our lives work better, pursuing empty pleasures, anxiously striving for control and success. Our goals may be good and yet if they're not inspired by God and carried out in His strength then they are distractions or idolatries that are taking God's place in our hearts. This kind of anxious living is bad pain.
(Continued in part 5)
